Relationships: Why Are Some Men Attracted To Women Who Need To Be Saved?

If a man was to find out that a woman is unable to handle life and needs other people to prop her up, he could soon come to the conclusion that it would be better for him to move on. It will be only too clear that being with a woman like this is going to be more trouble than it’s worth.

Two Parts

Now, this is not to say that they won’t find her attractive, for instance, as they might be drawn to her appearance. What it means is that this is not going to be enough for them to do something that they will later regret.

The man could take their mind into the future and think about what their life would be like in a little while. This is then going to be enough for them to take step back and to pay attention to their mind, as opposed to their emotions and bodily sensations.

Past Experiences

There may have been a time in their life when this wasn’t the case, thereby causing them to end up with the wrong women. Being drawn to women like this might have caused them to experience a lot of pain.

However, while these experiences would have taken a lot out of them, they also would have taught them a lot. He would then have been able to turn these ‘negative’ experiences into ‘positive’ experiences.

Give and Take

Since that time in his life, he is likely to have been with a least one woman who didn’t need to be saved. What this would have meant was that their relationship was about give and take, meaning one person wouldn’t have had to do all of the work.

And, as it wasn’t a one-sided relationship, it would have stopped them from feeling undermined. It would have been an area of their life that nourished them and made it easier for them to function at their best.

A Different Scenario

On the other hand, there are going to be plenty of men who are only interested in woman who can’t handle life. This is not to say that this is what will come out of their mouth; what it means is that these are the kinds of women who will press their buttons, so to speak.

In fact, it might not even occur to a man like this that not only are their women out there who are different, but that they themselves can be with a woman like this. So, if they were to come into contact with a woman who doesn’t need to be saved, they are not going to be interested.

Close, but not Too Close

A man like this could walk by these kinds of women in their day-to-day life, yet that could be as close as they will get. Consciously, they won’t know that these women are available, yet it could be said that another part of them will.

Nevertheless, while they will rarely come into contact with women who are like this, they will have no trouble coming into contact with women who aren’t. It can then seem as though they just happen to meet women who need to be rescued.

A Strong Attraction

When a man meets a woman like this and he is attracted to her, he could believe that it is due to what she looks like, along with her personality. This can sound accurate, but if this woman didn’t need to be rescued, he probably wouldn’t be attracted to her.

What this shows is that his mind will rationalise why he is drawn to her, which will stop him from having to take a deeper look into what is really going on. Said another way, what is taking place at a deeper level will be overlooked.

Inner Model

Nonetheless, if man has always been this way, he might not even realise that he is trying to rescue them. He could believe that this is just what relationships are like between a man and a woman.

The man is then going to be the person who sacrifices himself in order to make the other person’s life better. Along with this, he could believe that women are incapable of handling life without the help of a man.

The Other Side

Still, this is not to say that the man will always be happy with experiencing life in this way, as there are likely to be moments when this causes him to feel drained and burdened. He is going to be used to ignoring his needs and focusing on the woman’s needs, so this is to be expected.

Ultimately, he has needs and this is why being in a relationship that is out of balance is going to weaken him. If he didn’t have needs, it wouldn’t matter if he focused purely on a woman’s needs and ignored his own.

A Deeper Look

A man like this is going to give too much and the women that he attracts are not going to give enough, that’s if they give anything at all. The man is going to be more like a father and the woman is going to be more like a needy child.

What this is likely to illustrate is that the man feels ashamed of his own needs and, deep down, he might feel like a needy child. Through feeling ashamed of his own needs, he will have the need to come across as needless and strong, but this is just going to be an act.

In The Beginning

The reason he is experiencing life in this way is likely to be due to what happened when he was younger. This is likely to have been a time when his needs were ignored and he was expected to fulfil his caregiver’s needs, as well as the needs of his siblings.

He would then have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with his own needs and he would have had to develop a false-self. On the outside, he would come across as strong and mature for his age, but underneath this mask would have been a deeply wounded child.

Awareness

The years would then have passed, but this wounded child will still live within the man and define how he behaves. It is then going to be essential, that’s if he wants to change, for him to heal the wounded child that is within them.

This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice

 

Relationships: Is Our Life Defined By The Inner Models That Other People Have Of Us?

When one meets someone for the first time, they might not know anything about them. However, once they have spent a little while in their company, they will start to construct an inner model of what they are like.

This inner model is then going to define how they interpret just about everything that this person does; it will be as though they are wearing special glasses. Said another way, the kind of relationship that they have with them is going to have more to do with what is going on inside their own head than it will with what this person is actually like.

Another Part

And how one perceives another person’s behaviour is going to have a lot do with what is going on within them. What another person does is then not going to be anywhere near as important as how one interprets their behaviour.

It is then going to be as though someone will say one word and one’s mind will make it into a sentence. Without realising it, one will project what is going on within them onto the other person.

As Time Passes

Now, one could find that they have a close bond with this person, or they might not be interested in having them in their life. If they do want to have them in their life, it can show that this person is happy to play along with the inner model that they have created for them.

This doesn’t mean that this person will understand what is going on, though, so both of them are going to be playing the same game. The other person will have formed an inner model of them and one will also be happy to play along with it.

One Direction

For as long as each person has the same view of the other and they don’t change their behaviour, there will be not reason for their relationship to end. If one person changes their behaviour, it could have an effect on how the other person perceives them.

Even so, this doesn’t mean that it will have a negative effect on their relationship. For example, one person could start to behave in a more assertive and the other might not be fazed by this.

A Minor Change

One person’s view of themselves will have changed and the other person’s view of them will also have changed. Yet, as it wasn’t something that the other person had an issue with, their relationship can carry on as before.

If one person was to go through a big transformation and their behaviour was to change as a result, this might not take place. Instead, the other person might experience resistance, thereby causing them to behave in one of two ways.

Two Options

If this is too much for them to handle, it could cause them to cut their ties with them, and it could be said that this will be the best option. One won’t have to have someone in their life who wants to hold them back when this happens.

When this doesn’t take place, the other person could try to make the other behave how they used to. It can then be a challenge for them to continue to behave in the same way.

Stepping Back

It would be easy to say that the other person is going out of their way to hold one back, but it is unlikely to be this black and white. There is the chance that they are not even aware of what they are doing.

They are going want one to revert to how they behaved before as this will be what feels comfortable. If they were able to become aware of what is going on, it might allow them to change their behaviour.

The Priority

Conversely, they could come to the conclusion that it is time for both of them to go their separate ways. This will stop them from tying to hold the other person back and it will allow them to develop a new relationship.

What is clear is that when one has changed and there is another person is their life who is not able to accept this, it is going to be essential for them to put their own need first. This comes down to the fact that they are not here to please other people.

Long-Term Gain

It might be hard for them to do this is the short-term, but it will pay off as time goes by. If they feel bad about doing this, it might be a good idea for them to ask themselves if they would want another person to comprise themselves for them.

Through paying attention to their needs and fulfilling them when it is possible, their life will be far more fulfilling than it would be if the opposite took place. Living in this way takes inner strength; it is far easier for someone to play a role that other people have provided for them.

Awareness

Taking all this into account, it shows how it is the people who one is closest to that have the biggest effect on their life. It can be easy to believe that it is the people on the outside who have the most control, but this is not always the case.

If one feels held back by the people in their life and finds it hard to assert themselves, they might need to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

 

Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Trapped Around Others?

While reaching out to others and experiencing intimacy is normal for some people, there are others who experience life in a very different way. When someone can reach out to others and experience intimacy, they could be in a fulfilling relationship.

However, even if they are not with someone at this stage in their life, there are bound to be other people in their life who they can connect with. When one is around someone like this, they will be able to share who they are.

True-Self

Said another way, there will be no reason for them to wear a mask and therefore, to put on an act. There are likely to be moments when they are unable to express who they are, so they may have to wear a mask.

If they didn’t do this, it might cause them to be harmed in some way, and this is why there are going to be moments when they won’t be able to reveal themselves. But when they are with the people who they are close to, this won’t be the case.

Boundaries

What this will also show is that one feels safe enough to express who they are around these people. As a result of this, they are not going to have a fear of losing themselves around others or of being harmed.

This is going to be why they are able to share their inner world to begin with. If they didn’t feel safe enough to stay in their body around others and to open up, their life would be very different.

The Key

It is then not that this person is lucky and just happens to experience life in this way; what it comes down to is that they have good boundaries. This is what allows them to act like an individual.

Perhaps this is how this person has always experienced life, or maybe this is the result of the work that they have done on themselves. On the other hand, when someone doesn’t experience life in this way, this could be how their life has always been.

Overwhelmed

When they are around others, they can feel the need to get away or they can end up disconnecting from what is taking place within them. Due to this, it is going to be a challenge for them to express their true-self around others.

One can then end up spending a lot of time by themselves as this will stop them from having to experience extreme discomfort. Also, through being in their own company, they will be able to connect to who they are.

Out of Their Body

If they are around someone or a group of people, they could end up leaving their body and moving their point of awareness up into their mind. One is then going to be out of touch with most of their needs and feelings and this can cause them to play a role.

And as one will be out of touch with their inner world, it won’t be possible for them to experience intimacy. Consequently, they can feel just as lonely around others as they do by themselves.

Hidden

At the same time, if they are able to connect to themselves when they are in their own company, it might not be as bad for them to be by themselves. They won’t have anyone around them, but at least they won’t need to put on an act or to feel overwhelmed.

Still, when they are by themselves, they will they come into contact with their need to connect to others. That is, of course, unless they consume something (or a number of things) to push this pain out of their awareness.

A Short-Lived Affair

If one has been with people in the past, they may find that they were fine in the beginning and then they had to leave before long. They may have just felt compelled to end the relationship.

It was then not something that they consciously decided to do; their body would have made the decision for them. These people might have been left confused but one would have just needed to get away.

A Number of Words

If one was to get in touch with how they feel when they are around others or in a relationship, for instance, they could say that they feel trapped, smothered, or even claustrophobic. Getting away is then going to be seen as the only way for them to change how they feel.

The trouble with this is that it stops them from being able to fulfil their need to express their true-self and to experience intimacy with others. Additionally, this will also make it difficult for them to be intimate with themselves.

A Closer Look

One way of looking at this would be to say that one needs to change their thoughts, as this will allow them to change their behaviour. Another approach would be for them to focus on their body and to see why this is happening.

If one feels trapped when they are around others and needs to get away, it is as though their body goes into the freeze response and then into the flight response. This is usually what happens when someone feels as though they are under attack.

Trauma

There is going to be no reason for their body to respond in this way; it is not as though their life is under threat. Nevertheless, there was probably a time in their life when it was under threat, and this is why their body is responding in this manner.

The beginning of their life may have been a time when they were smothered by one of their parents. This might have taken place when they were a baby, meaning they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it.

Awareness

If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.

The trauma that is within them will need to be dealt with and, as this takes place, it will be easier for them to be in the present moment.

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

 

We Are Here for You

It wouldn’t be an unusual scenario in any of our lives to have a loved one or dear friend who needs to know, ‘we are here for you.’ There are people all over the planet who feel that way right now.

Such a need to hear ‘we are here for you’ only just shades the necessity to say it.

Those who say with compassion what others need to hear are Godsends. And those who hear what God has to say to them through a caring friend are blessed to journey forward in a hope that can only be learned. (I say that hope really does need to be learned; the need of hope exists, yet it’s only when we experience hope that we realise it really does exist as the resplendence of a truth we now possess.)

There are people in our midst right now who are need, and we may or may not be aware of it. We may or may not have the capacity to help them. We may or may not know what to say, but be encouraged, we can always listen without needing to know the answer.

God seems to send each of us into the fore, of the person we know, unsteady and struggling, right to their door.

Whenever we walk out of our door expecting to encounter somebody who needs to hear ‘we are here for you’ we can expect to be shown such a person who needs to hear it. We walk out of our door to be invited into theirs. It doesn’t always happen, but when we expect it to happen we’re ready for such a necessary encounter.

You send the message, a most desperate plea, just don’t dilute the message, so we begin to doubt what we see.

We’re certainly aware of those who would send the message ‘I cannot do this anymore’… some say it too much, never truly meaning it as some who would never say it and yet take their lives. All are implored not to cry wolf. Yet equally we’re all implored never to imagine a person is.

We are here for you is a message for at least three kinds of people:

  1. The person deep in their need, enshrined in the need of support. They simply must be met in their moment of need or something dire could occur. It’s anyone!
  2. The person who has the wherewithal to help. With the capacity and the reach to help, it’s our privilege to simply extend our hand of help. Yes, it’s us!
  3. The person we know and care about that will receive help and we won’t even know about it. It causes us to be thankfully grateful for the grace extant in the moment that we have no inkling of. It’s someone we care about, and someone we don’t even know – who cares!

Imagine God training us to see the potential neediness in every person we encounter, looking for it, and able to meet it. Suddenly, we see the person as someone not to be judged, nor envied or condemned or even pitied, but as a person, like us all, with frailties. We meet them with a love we wish our loved ones, or even ourselves, could receive in such a need.

When Experience Gets in the Way of Empathy

The conversation went a little like this: ‘Others (i.e. you) don’t really know what this is about… ‘ to which I said, ‘Yes, but I’ve been through the same sort of season in the past.’ There was tacit agreement.

The person had to agree. They knew my story, and they knew I understood. But their point was, ‘But you’re not there now.’

It was only later – 24-hours later – that God nudged me about this conversation.

It was as if the Holy Spirit were saying, ‘Your experience matters, and is a good asset to offer the person, but in this case, it got in the way of empathy.’ Sure, I was in a conversation of challenge. It wasn’t a conversation where neither of us felt comfortable, and it was a necessary conversation, but I was shown to have fallen short in this particular interchange.

Experience is good, except when it places us in the position where we’re above empathy.

Experience offers understanding but it can fall short of empathy.

Experience demonstrates understanding but only empathy shows an interest in the impact of what is being faced.

Experience compares whereas empathy seeks to get close, endeavouring to truly understand what could be still misunderstood.

Experience demonstrates understanding for what was experienced in the past, but it isn’t understanding for what is happening in the present – that’s empathy.

We may have experienced a trial in the past that helps the person before us, but that experience is useless to them unless there is empathy enough to imagine my experience is not the same as yours.

Your experience – no matter how similar sounding it is – is not the same as mine. It isn’t experienced in the same period, with the same people, in the same circumstances, or in the same place. Nearly all the elements are different.

Bring experience into the arena of interaction, but don’t leave understanding there. Take it all the way to empathy. Experience is the door through which we enter and explore. That exploration is empathy.

 

That Day a Drunk Homeless Man Changed My Life

During the season of life where my life seemed interrupted, and I entered a time of recovery that I could neither foresee nor appreciate at the time, a random event occurred that changed my life.

I was walking a lot in those days. It was how I often connected with God; even as He had stripped me back where my life circumstance serially broke me.

I happened to be walking along the main street in the outlying city I lived in when I stumbled across a drunk man. Initially I had the thought to avoid him. But he seemed so defenceless, and not a physical threat at all. So I got closer to him.

He was keeled over next to a building, slightly concealed by the grade of the land adjacent to the structure itself, in a culvert. He seemed to be unconscious, so I began to try and rouse him to ascertain if he was okay.

I was surprised. The man was unexpectedly coherent even if he were inebriated. My instinct was awakened to the fact that this human being, an indigenous man of my home nation, was not so much just schnozzled, but grief-stricken!

As I fumbled with him in my confusion, trying to make some sense of the situation, like a fisherman I caught snippets of information, the big catch alluding me. It was clear he was hurt, not just psychologically and emotional, but he was physically hurting too. His grimaces and his sobbing were a melding of a throbbing existential pain, both situational and generational.

As he sobbed through his story I completely forgot where I was. It was as if God had transported me for those moments into the travesty of this other man’s life. I could see his family situation. I could feel the abnegation and abandonment. I could taste the paroxysm of injustice. I could touch how nonsensical his life had become. And I heard how desolate he was, of hope, of purpose, of reason to go on.

God took me beyond the stereotype and gave me spiritual insight into the soul of brokenness – perhaps because, for me, I was in a season myself of aberrant brokenness.

I tried to console the man, and astonishingly he comprehended my encouragement, peering into my eyes with a longing hesitation. Very quickly, however, I suffered a bout of flesh, and my courage to speak hope boldly begin to abruptly diminish, as I believed upon the reality of his plight.

I called an ambulance. This man needed hospital attention. He needed a range of healing services holistic in nature. I felt completely unable to tend to him as he needed, but at least for those eternal seconds he may have felt something of God’s profound empathy.

As soon as the ambulance arrived on scene I could see some new things emerge; things that comforted me but also things that disconcerted me. I was reminded of the wonderful services our western society has that we take for granted. Then I also saw the presumptive mindset that prevailed in the two men who attended us. Sound men, but with unsound biases. They must’ve been so conditioned by the typical drug-affected homeless people they come across daily. They weren’t unkind, but they could not see beyond this man’s appearance. They couldn’t see past the stereotype. They couldn’t see his soul. For a moment I wondered if in fact I’d done the right thing.

But then God reminded me of my limits; I’d done all I could have.

I rested in that even as I prayed for the man as the ambulance drove off.

In this, God taught me to look beyond the outward appearance into the unknowable heart and soul and created mystery of a unique person made in His image. It’s a lesson I have continually been reminded of. A lesson to see the sacred value of the person caught in a compromised position. And to see that we all fall, and but for God’s love, who are we?

Everyone has a story for where they’re at and why they’re there, no matter their external appearance.

 

What Makes You Feel Worthy and Loveable?

Take a moment to think about this: What do you believe makes you feel worthy and lovable?

Do you believe you are worthy when you receive others’ approval?

Do you believe that you will feel worthy when you lose weight or look a certain way?

Do you believe you will feel worthy when you make a certain amount of money, or have a certain amount of money in the bank, or when you have the house or car or boat you’ve always wanted?

Will you feel worthy and lovable when the person of your dreams loves you and chooses you?

Will you feel worthy when you have the children you have always wanted?

Will you finally feel worthy and lovable when you are famous?

I have worked with clients who have achieved all of these things that they believed would finally make them feel worthy and lovable, only to discover that it did not work.

Why not?

WANTING to take responsibility for your own feelings is essential for your inner child to feel loved, lovable and worthy. When you don’t WANT this responsibility and instead make others responsible, and take responsibility for others’ feelings, the message to your inner child is that he or she is not worthy of your care.

Even if you do loving things for yourself – such as get massages, take baths, eat well and exercise – if you don’t consciously WANT responsibility for staying present and attentive to all your feelings – for nurturing your core painful feelings, and for noticing and changing your thoughts that cause your wounded feelings (Step 1 of Inner Bonding) – your child will feel abandoned, unlovable, and unworthy.

Wanting responsibility for your own feelings and learning how take this responsibility, moment by moment, is the essential ingredient in feeling lovable and worthy. Yet most people don’t want this responsibility.

What are your beliefs that are stopping you from wanting this responsibility?

Do you believe that you can’t do it – that you are not capable of taking responsibility for your own pain and joy?

It is true that your wounded self is not capable of this responsibility. But when you are a loving adult connected with your spiritual guidance, you are more than capable. It’s the consistent practice of Inner Bonding that develops your spiritually-connected loving adult self.

Do you believe that even if you do take this responsibility, it will never feel as good as when someone else does it for you?

While another’s love feels great, it is always temporary, since no one will be with you 24/7. And others always have their own issues – they get angry, withdraw, blame, judge, resist and so on. Only the love you learn to bring in from your higher self is always present and unconditional. And when you do learn to bring this to yourself, you will discover that it feels better and more fulfilling than anything!

Do you believe that it takes too much time?

The reality is that the time and energy it takes to AVOID responsibility is far greater than the time it takes to take responsibility!

Do you believe that it isn’t your job – that someone else is supposed to make up to you what you didn’t receive as a child?

The reality is that no one else wants this job! If you didn’t receive the love you needed as a young child, then it is too late for someone else to do it. And even if someone did try to do it, as long as you are abandoning yourself, you will never feel lovable and worthy. No one can take away the pain of your own self-abandonment.

What makes you feel lovable and worthy is staying in Step 1 of Inner Bonding – staying tuned in to your feelings and wanting responsibility for whatever you are thinking or doing that is causing your pain. What makes your inner child feel lovable and worthy is your devotion to the practice of Inner Work!

 

8 Tips to Help You Develop Positive Relationships

We all go through a lot of experiences during our lives. If you want to feel happier, healthier and more satisfied, you need to develop positive relationships with your loved ones. So, if you are struggling with this effort, we have given a few tips in this article that may help you achieve your goal.

Don’t worry about the differences

Since we are all different, we should accept the differences that we may have with those we love. There are many ways to perceive the world. If we learn to accept each other’s differences, we can create a rapport more easily. In other words, you can feel more comfortable if you make an impression on the other person that they are being understood. So, you should accept the fact that everyone is different.

Listen carefully

If you want to boost your loved one’s self-esteem, you must listen to them. In fact, it’s a type of flattery that can help you develop a rapport with just anyone. If you listen and understand what someone wants to convey, you can interact in a better way.

Spend time with them

You should spend time with them. In fact, giving time to others is a wonderful gift. Today, time is really important, and we find it hard to give time to those who are important in our lives. Technology has become a type of hurdle in our way to develop rapport. Often, we find ourselves multi-tasking, which is not good.

Work on your communication skills

How do you communicate? Communication happens when others understand you. Speaking is not communication. You need to make sure that the listener understands the message you want to convey.

Use your smartphone wisely

Today, almost everyone owns a cell phone. In fact, most people have multiple handsets. Although smartphones help save lives through effective communication, you may not want to overuse them, as they can become a distraction as well.

When you are talking to someone about an important issues, don’t use your phone unless you have to take an important call.

Exchange Feedback

As far as developing positive relationships is concerned, feedback plays a great role. As a matter of fact, feedback is what lets you know if you have made any progress. It’s good to exchange feedback. If you want others to get better, make sure you give them constructive feedback.

Establish Trust

In any relationship, the importance of trust can’t be denied. If the other person doesn’t trust you, don’t think that you can take that relationship to the next level. Establishing trust is important in every field of life.

Work on Empathy

It’s important for you to keep in mind that people will forget your hateful words but they will never forget what they went through because of you. So, it’s important that you develop empathy as well.

If you develop empathy, you will be able to understand people better. In fact, it requires you to relate to the feelings of your loved ones.

So, if you want to develop a stronger relationship with someone, make sure you try out these tips.